My Mother's Daughter

A journey of grief and growth

love.

Happy birthday mommy. I love you, forever and always. I know life is rough, and I miss you more everyday, but I know you’re watching over me. I hope I’m making you proud :)

Happy birthday mommy. I love you, forever and always. I know life is rough, and I miss you more everyday, but I know you’re watching over me. I hope I’m making you proud :)

So beautiful, but never fails to make me cry. Such a talented family, love them.

Camp

It’s been a month since I got to experience Camp Kesem, one of the most wonderful organizations ever, and I couldn’t be more thankful I got to be a part of it. All of the kids there are so strong; they all have cancer in there lives but they seem to deal with it gracefully. Seeing these kids, getting to know them, talking to them made me more comfortable with my own life, my own decisions, and my own experience with cancer. None of us can go back in time and change what happened, but we can grow from it. Kesem taught me that there are always people around that care, that can listen, and that will lend a helping hand. And at times like now, when I’m sad or upset, I really need that.

Today marks one year since you left us.  I know you’re in a better place now, but I can’t help but be selfish.  You’ve missed out on so much: my trip abroad, my 21st birthday, Kacey’s prom, her impending graduation, my future graduation.  I can’t help but think what you would have been like, what you would have done.  

I look back on all the memories we had, but they seem so far away.  I can’t seem to remember them clearly and that kills me.  And the memories I can remember I don’t want to.  You last days, at home, are so clear to me.  I want to remember you in your prime, and that’s difficult for me.  

At Relay about two months ago, I spent time reading my journal entries from the last few days of your life, and then the ones on the day you passed.  That morning, after they took you away, I went to the beach, and just wrote and wrote and wrote.  I wrote about every memory I could remember, good or bad, because I felt like they were all going to disappear.  I still feel like that every day.  I fear that one day I will completely forget.  My memories of you and I, of our family are so foggy, all I have are my journal entries and pictures to remember.  

Even though this day, this time of year makes me so upset, I know that you’re watching over me.  I’m trying my hardest, trying to make you proud.  I can’t help but wish to see you one more time, to give you a hug, to get advice from you.  But I know that’s not possible anymore. Instead, I’m living my life to the fullest, just like you did, carefree. 

I love you mommy, forever and always.

best show I’ve seen in a while. can’t wait to see him again come October.

best show I’ve seen in a while. can’t wait to see him again come October.

Happy Mother’s Day. I couldn’t miss you any more, but I know you’re watching over me.  I love you, with all my heart and all my soul, forever and always.

Happy Mother’s Day. I couldn’t miss you any more, but I know you’re watching over me.  I love you, with all my heart and all my soul, forever and always.

can’t get enough :)

The past week

Relay for Life. Childish Gambino. Now Picnic Day and the Shins. 

The past week has been full of amazing-ness. All of my lovely friends coming to support Relay for Life; I couldn’t have asked for anything more.  Just knowing they are they when I’m having a shitty day is incredible. And then Childish Gambino last night with Aaron, Robert, and Deena, fucking incredible. And the next two days hold even more.  

This past week has showed me that I really do have an amazing group of friends, friends I never want to let go.